Thursday, September 5, 2013

Ghost Bastards vs. Ghost Adventures

Soooo, Ghost Bastards are moving up! I ran into the Ghost Adventure dudes at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. It was an iconic moment. I could feel the electricity the meeting generated radiating from Zak's raised fist pump!!! Ghosts better watch out because the fist is coming for YOU!!!!!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Indiana Jones vs. The Spiders

I had a terrible dream. I was on an adventure with Harrison Ford and his wife, Ally McBeal. She was in to ghost hunting, Bigfoot hunting, and whatnot. She kept bothering Harrison until he would go on a real adventure with her. He was kind of dressed like Indy. She was too. We were in some jungle and I was smug because I got her to finance the expedition. Plus I convinced her to have her husband tag along. Of course, I didn't realize I'd be carrying her damn bags through pitch black jungle.

After crossing a broken rope bridge, we saw a huge tree. Harrison was all pissed off but there were ruined huts. He commented on how big the tree was. I said, "Look out!" The branches started moving. They were legs. At first, I thought crabs. No, they were spider legs. "Bunny spiders!" I yelled. They were giant spiders with pink bunnies attached to their backs with smiling faces. They had bodies as big as human torsos and legs that were several feet long and sharp, like crab legs. They dropped down on us. Harrison was screaming...

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Midgets... both hilarious and arousing.

I think I would like to be a midget pimp. I could rent them out to truck drivers, like from a Red Box type of thing. Then, if the truck drivers get pulled over by highway patrol, they could stash them under their seat. I would have to have both sexes available since half of truck drivers are gay. I wonder if they would fit in a mailbox. I would probably have to find a way to fit in some AC. The midgets would come with anti-bactarial wipes so the user could clean them afterwards. No, those will have to be purchased extra, like a dollar a wipe. A buyer could also purchase optional dog treats to reward the midgets for a job well done. Don't worry though, I won't make them work like eight days a week. I'm not a mad man. I might have to start this business venture in another country.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Post Apocalyptia

I had another dream... or maybe a premonition. The shit hit the fan.

I had too much shit to carry in my shopping cart. I had dog food and diapers for barter, but they were too heavy. I think I was given the stuff as payment for taking families from place to place. That's right, I was an escort for hire in the wasteland...

I was wearing a sleeveless leather jacket, had a beard, and an aluminum baseball bat to fight off baddies. Whatever caused the apocalypse was due to the construction of a mother ship rocket that held a small city in the air. It was a way point to get people to the international space station city. There was a shuttle in front of the rocket, and they collided, blowing up most of the rocket and tearing a hole in the mother ship city. I watched it happen on TV.

I remember that I was eating oatmeal in the dark with boots on saying, "Yup, I knew that would happen. Dumb ass corporate pilots working for minimum wage..."

There was a population explosion of Bigfoot. They hunted those who came too close to the forests.

I don't know exactly what killed off humanity. There were things after dark, like hairless monkey things that had glowing eyes... The answers to the truth are always hidden in my dreams...

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Season

It's UFO Season, my friends, which means these blogs might start going like crazy! As some of you already know, UFO Season follows monsoon season here in Tucson, for some reason. It's probably because the aliens like to study our monsoons. They are also terrified of cats, but that's beside the point. They also like mutilating cows, but then again, I don't know if that one's true. Maybe the government is doing that. It's related, but I'm not sure why. The government definitely has an interest in removing the reproductive organs of cows, the udder, and also maybe the lymph nodes. I think they might be in cahoots with McDonald's. I'll have to do more research. Tasty research...

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Ninja Diet

In my quest for weight loss, I have developed numerous diets. Each one works in its own way, though those ways do not necessarily lead to weight loss. This latest one could prove as effective as any of the others though. I call it the NINJA DIET!

The thought here is that if you can sneak up on your food, eat it before it realizes that it is being eaten, it has less calories to attack you with. Of course the sneaking up part is good for exercise too.

In a ninja diet, you're not supposed to have spicy food because they dull the senses. Only bland food. The essence of bland food heightens the senses to new... heights! That makes it so you can taste the air better for your ninja activities. I can feed off the dirt and tell you how many earthworms have gone to the bathroom there in the last hour once my ninja powers awaken.

Also, I need to restrict my main eating times to night. All the ninjas come out at night, swifty shadows of death. Except for me. I kind of gallop. You're also supposed to have bright vegetables, not dark vegetables. If you cook vegetables too long, it dulls the spirit of the vegetables. Do not dilute the power of the vegetable! Under this diet, my body will become a shadow of power. Perhaps I will even achieve the ultimate goal of the ninja, being that after a ninja dies, his corpse will be able to melt through walls.

Ninja vanish...

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Battle for Blood - The Blood Feud Review

I've always loved sci-fi ever since I saw that hot midget in Total Recall with the machine gun. Wouldn't it be awesome to have a pair of tactical shorts that you could suspend a midget within so the midget could do indecent things to you? That's definitely on my list.

Reading the novel Battle for Blood - The Blood Feud is a sci-fi experience that's almost as good as having a midget in your pants. I'm talking about a midget with regular fingers too, not one of those with the sausage fingers. Welcome to lollipop world!

Battle for Blood has zombies, of course, and I like that. I can truly identify with their down to earth personalities. They make me smile with familiarity, like going to a family reunion if my family was a bunch of 'me's. I love how they smoke hair. If they're not going to make marijuana legal in the United States, they should at least make that legal. I've heard that pubic hair gets you the highest, but I haven't tried it yet.

The love story with the vampires is fun too. The vampire chick is hot, even if she's not a midget. She should have gotten involved with one of the zombies instead of another vampire. Vampires are freakin' froo froo with frilly lace, even if these ones are a bit more brutal with their viking-like ways. A zombie would have been a better match for her, just like I'm a better match for all the ladies. Hear that? I'm still single, by the way. Wink, wink. Give me a call sometime.

There's the aliens where the zombies and vampires invade too, but I think of them as merely fodder for the story, and that works. Super Priest kind of steals the show at the end, and I appreciate that. Overall, I give the story a rating of 4 out of 5 midgets! Get your copy today!

Now that I think about it, maybe I don't like midgets. They do have those midget teeth...

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Taking out the trash

I pride myself on trying to make the world a better place, but so much stands in the way. I'm sick of so much scum on the streets, so I am going to become a vigilante super hero. I will be known as the trash man because I take out the trash! The villain would be the recycler, because he puts the trash back out on the streets.  I could use a trash bag as my costume. I wonder if I will have a problem breathing in it. Do super heroes have to wear pants? Because I have to be able to move freely.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Work Ethic MUTHAFUCKA!!!

There I was, performing my patented Vulture Maneuver. That's what I call it when I'm working and I circle a kiosk where a nice looking lady's working a few times before I swoop in for the kill. I had just completed the swooping and perched myself nicely to begin my feast when someone came up to me and offered me a job as a financial adviser.

Forget the fact that I have seven credit cards and all of them have been maxed out since about a week after being issued. Pizza is important to every diet and it's not my fault they make it so expensive to have three meals a day. You see, having good judgement with money surely has nothing to do with telling others to have good judgement with money. This guy told me he liked my work ethic, and that's the important thing.

Picture me moonlighting as a financial adviser, becoming a CEO of my own company. We'll have a military contract to make flying robotic tanks and also have robot strippers. Hopefully, the robot strippers don't crush the pelvises of our clientele. CEO MUTHAFUCKA!!!

Unless it's all a scam... He's probably luring me to an investor meeting in disguise. If that's the case, I can always rob him, mess up his car, and take his tires. I do need new tires... CEO MUTHAFUCKA!!! I should make a rap song. CEO MUTHAFUCKA! CEO BITCH!

Friday, April 19, 2013

Cross Species Genetics

An eagle, or something similar, recently swooped down at me. Not sure if it intended to attack me in order to claim my sweet eye juices, or it desired to carry me away to its young. Either way, it got me thinking. If I had my own race of human/eagle children, I could use them to do my bidding.

The problem with cross-species breeding is that the male of one species has to be smaller than the female of the species you are trying to breed it with. That means it would not be as simple as me having sex with a female eagle. However, if I could breed a male eagle with a female elephant, perhaps I could make an eagle creature large enough for me to breed with. That could work. I hope my children will enjoy the taste of regurgitated hummus.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Reptiles Mooning Me

So, I saw a documentary made in France about a private school that feeds kids all organic food. They do it as a type of experiment. You see, their district was like something out of a ending of a sci-fi movie, like in Scanner Darkly. It had guys who look like astronauts spraying pesticides and all of them are dying of cancer. It shows how the Illuminati control the world's food supply, and how even in France, they are being affected by birth deformities, young farmers dying of cancer at an extremely high rate.

The Illuminati control things from companies like Monsanto, trying to rule the world through the destruction of all organic food. Illuminati's Bechtel Corporation, who now own 90% of the world's water, international banks, paramilitary corporations, World Bank... They even want to turn the moon into a microwave transmitter. That way, they can control our brains through something called the Floyd effect, which makes you hear voices inside your head.

Fucking reptiles!

All the Illuminati bloodlines are reported to have a bloodlust, a type of genetic porphoria, true vampirism. They can induce a hypnotic state through their eyes and have psychic powers. But humans are evolving, and they aren't the only ones with power. That's what they fear most.

These truly powerful shaman have been contacted by extraterrestrials. The Illuminati need to control substances like power plants and ethenogenics, power plants like mushrooms and peyote, keep us malnourished  to keep our powers at bay. Plants, through nutrition and psychedelics, can give us more power than any human blood drinker can ever fathom. Not only have the plants been evolved, but aliens also introduced substances like DMT and possibly peyote to help us in our battle against these nephelim, sons of the gods, or fallen angel bloodline bastards of alien scum and human mothers.

In all interpretations of all forms of religion, all the hybrids were wiped out by the gods themselves because, unfortunately, it is the human part that is the devious part. The aliens have also chosen avatars or prophets like Moses. Pharoah's people are jealous. Pharoah's people are snakes. I should start a cult.

Anyway, the message is I should eat more organic. We all should. For that's what god or gods intended. Now where'd I put that mana cheeseburger at? Maybe next to the ambrosia fruit...